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(no subject) [Jan. 21st, 2008|08:49 pm]

Do not use these jokes unless they meet the exact situation specified.

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(no subject) [Jan. 2nd, 2007|06:48 am]
Dear Situational Joke,

Even though these last three entries read Jan. 1st and 2nd, I am still fulfilling my 2006 New Year's resolution of writing fifty situational jokes because 1) it is not even Jan. 2nd and 2) even though I'm posting these last 20 jokes on Jan. 1st they were all hurriedly written last night, Dec. 31st, in order to fulfill my obligation.

41. Died in my arms joke

Involves speculation about various people potentially dying in your arms, ex:

(After seeing a picture of a badly injured and bleeding hockey player) You: It's a good thing I wasn't there when that happened, because if I had been, he would have died in my arms.

42. Dog joke:

When visiting a person's house for the first time, after emerging from the kitchen:

You: Your dog is lying naked in the floor.

43. Romance euphemism joke

When explaining the romantic interactions between two people or television characters, exs:

Someone (watching television): Why is he so angry at Jack?
You: He thinks he freaked his daughter.


Someone: What's the deal with _________ and ________ now?
You: I heard they were freaking again.

44. Pigs joke:

When any vehicle with flashing lights drives by you, ex:

(Ambulance drives by)
You: Fucking pigs.

45. Property value joke

When driving through a middle-class neighborhood in a car with a group of friends:

You: I wonder what the property value is around here. (Moderate pause, regardless of whether someone responds) I'm not even going to speculate.

46. Baby joke:

When approaching a parent strolling or carrying its infant child through a public place, regardless of the baby's appearance:

You: That doesn't fit her that's embarrassing.

47. No one joke

When someone does something that they're unnecessarily proud of/concerned with:

(Following a basketball game, while someone self-consciously/angrily continues to talk about being fouled)
You: No one will forget what you did today.

48. Scheme joke

When someone is preparing to tell you some kind of gossip:

Someone: You're never going to believe this, I have to tell you about something.
You: Is it a pyramid scheme.
Someone, if no: No.
You: Then can you save it; I'm really busy.

49: Theft joke

When looking at an employee and standing next to a friend, ex:

(While watching an employee in a greenhouse near Christmas trees)
You: He's gonna steal one of those trees; it's written all over his face.

50. Care joke

When someone is repeatedly dancing too close to you:

(Leaning in towards his or her ear)
You: Would you like to take care of me.
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(no subject) [Jan. 2nd, 2007|06:31 am]
34. Condoning volleyball joke

Someone: What did you do last night?
You: Well, I was at a volleyball event. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning volleyball, I'm just saying, I watched a game.

35. Exercising joke

When someone only mildly overweight is jogging along the street, ex:

You (shouted or from a car): That's a good weight for you to be exercising.

36. Sonnets joke

Someone: What have you been up to lately?

You: I've been writing a series of unforgettable sonnets.

37. Ryan Phillipe joke

When at a supermarket next to a tabloid in which Ryan Phillipe is pictured, to the person nearest you:

You: Do you ever get the feeling that something died inside Ryan Phillipe, like, a year and a half ago.

38. Everyone joke

Requires using the word 'everyone' in reference to yourself, ex:

(After you walk into a room while someone is checking themselves in the mirror in preparation for the day or a night out) Someone: What are you doing, get out of here.
You: Everyone was just looking in the mirror.

39. Malone joke:

When referring to the size of something, ex:

You: I just got a huge television.
Someone: How big is it?
You: It's about Jena Malone-sized.

40. Cat joke:

When walking up to an acquaintance:

You: Um, there's a picture of a cat on my computer, and I don't know if it was you, but...thanks.
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(no subject) [Jan. 1st, 2007|11:57 am]
32. Oe joke

This is a simple joke, which involves saying "oe" to strangers at moments when you should be saying "or" or something phonetically similar, ex:

Someone: It sure is coming down, isn't it?
You: Well, it's just like, when it rains it poes, you know what I mean?


You (lecturing to a classmate or stranger): You know what I think the greatest kind of person is: someone who's not afraid of foe-giveness.

33. Ball joke

When in a group of at least four people, during a pause in conversation:

You: Listen up, guys. I want to tell you that of the (_____) people here with us, I think that at least three of you could play college ball.
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(no subject) [Dec. 10th, 2006|09:43 pm]
20. Memorandum Joke

When you are forced to write a memorandum for a professor at the end of a semester, ex:

You (On Paper):


Whatever I know I look good

21. Small child joke:

When the parent of a small child tells an anecdotal story describing the child's cute and sheltered understanding of the world, ex:

Someone: He thinks the hostess at Zio's is named Zio.

You: That couldn't be further from the truth.

22. Bring it joke

When among a group of people that are slowly beginning to become motivated and inspired about the prospect of doing something, in order to kill this mood:

You (leaning forward quickly): Let's so bring it.

23. Favorite Movie Joke

Someone: What's your favorite movie?

You: The Kings of Comedy

24. Favorite TV Show Joke

Someone: What's your favorite TV show?

You: Deal or No Deal

25. Favorite Book Joke:

Someone: What's your favorite book?

You: Oh, there's this one book about the Kansas City Chiefs...

26. Seasons joke

Someone: Whew...it's pretty chilly out, isn't it?

You: Yes. Soon it will be winter, and then spring, and after that summer, and then fall. After that a year will have passed.

27. Jesus Joke:

When someone who has previously declared their Christianity mentions Jesus in group conversation:

You: Oh, I was just thinking about Jesus a few days ago.

This is sufficient as a joke. If persons asks you to follow up, shrug your shoulders.

28. Speed joke:

While staring at a single woman as she passes you in public, pretending to speak on your cell phone:

You: Yeah, I know...SPEED.

29. Hand joke

When someone assumes you will grant them a small favor, ex:

Cashier: And a dollar five's your change. Oh, you know what, we're out of nickles; I'm sorry (smiles).

You: Don't force my hand.

30. Pet joke:

If someone describes the old age of their pet, ex:

Someone: Yeah, she's thirteen.

You: Do you think it's ever gonna die.

31. Classroom joke:

At the beginning of a semester, when asked to tell the class something about you:

You: My name's _______ _______, and I just want everyone to know that this semester, I plan on leaving everything in the classroom.
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2006|10:24 pm]
14. Favorite word joke

Someone: What is your favorite word?

You: Todd.

15. Barnes & Noble joke

When ordering in the cafe portion of Barnes & Noble:

Barnes & Noble cafe attendant: And what would you like?

You: Could I have some chicken fingers and a mojito?

16. Hair joke

On the phone:

Someone: What are you doing?

You: Hair.

17. Serious joke

When defending something you feel to be superior in the face of protest, ex:

Someone: Papa John's pizza is much better than Domino's Pizza.

You: Papa John's is fluff. It's not serious.

18. Thrill joke

When asked if you play any musical instruments:

You: I write it, I sing it, I play all the instruments...and that's the thrill.

19. Estranged wife joke

When accused of being somewhere or doing something at a certain time:

You: That's impossible. I was at home at that time watching TV with my estranged wife.
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(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2006|08:02 pm]
10. Feel joke

As in the "I cut to feel" explanation, ex:

Someone: Why are you dieting?

You: To feel.

Someone: Why do you play video games so much?

You: To feel.

11. Celebrity significant other joke

Say something provocative about a celebrity with a well-known significant other,
and name this person as your source, ex:

You: I heard Justin Timberlake is really into coke right now.

Someone: Who told you that?

You: Cameron Diaz.

12. Squeeze joke

When introducing someone you're dating to a group of people, ex:

You: This is my main squeeze, ______________.

13. Spouse joke:

Alternatively, also when introducing your girl/boyfriend:

You: This is my spouse, __________.
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(no subject) [Apr. 26th, 2006|11:06 pm]
6. Arbitrary reassignment of residence joke

You: (points at house) I bet that person in there doesn't live there. I bet they live there (points at other house).

7. Arriving at a get-together with friends joke

When greeted at the door:

Someone: Hello.
You: (quickly) Hey.
Someone: Come on in.
You: Are there any......infants........in this house?
Someoene: What?
You: Are there any........infants........here?
Someone, if yes: Yes.
You: (leaves)
Someone, if no: No.
You: Nodding your head slowly at first and then with rapidity: Okay...alright...(motions for friends to enter house)

8. Situational joke joke

Explaining a situational joke to someone:

You: Okay, we're supposed to arrive somewhere at the same time, but I arrive before you do. I wait for five or ten minutes, and you don't arrive. I leave, and you arrive ten minutes later. You wonder why I'm not there, since you arrived so late. You call me, and say: Why aren't you here? And I say: You're not going to believe this. I was there. But I got there, and....(incredulous) I looked around, and...... you weren't there. So I panicked, and I went to the gas station to get myself a Mountain Dew. And as I'm saying this I start driving up to the arrival spot, and you see the Mountain Dew in my hand, rested outside the window. You can just see it, right there.

Convince person that this is a funny joke. Repeat joke as many times as necessary.

9. Outside a fast-food restauraunt joke

When parked outside a fast-food restaurant at night, facing the inside:

You: Hey, look inside that restaurant.
Someone: Yeah.
You: Imagine me.....standing in that restaurant, by the window.......looking at you.
Someone: Okay.
You: Don't I look great.
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(no subject) [Mar. 23rd, 2006|02:06 pm]
1. Cheryl Burnett Joke

Someone: What do they look like?

You: Oh, one of them is pretty blonde, and the other's a Cheryl Burnett.

Someone: Did you just say Cheryl Burnett?

You: What?

Someone: Did you just say Cheryl Burnett?

You: Who's that?

Someone, if they don't know: I don't know.

You: Oh (eyebrows squinched).

Someone, if they know: (explanation)

You: Oh (laughs). No. I don't watch ladies' basketball.

2. Meeting someone new joke

Casually introduced to someone for the first time:

Someone: Hello.
You: (quickly) Hey.

Impersonal niceties exchanged, as your nature requires. Moments later, as you part ways:

You: I can't wait to see you again.

Uninterrupted stare, until new acquaintance feels that they must respond.

3. Looking and feeling great joke

When someone asks you a question mostly unrelated to your mood/appearance, exs:

Someone: Are you sure there isn't a laptop in your carry-on?
You: No, I'm not sure. I look and feel great.

Someone: Do you have clearance to the map section of the library?
You: No, of course I don't. I look and feel great.

4. Meeting Macaulay Culkin joke

When meeting Macaulay Culkin:

You: Macaulay, please sign my copy of The Da Vinci Code.
Macaulay Culkin: (response varies)

5. Stroke Joke

Requires that you quote any well-known line from the film You've Got Mail (1998), ex:

You: I have a temp-her-chur.

(Repeat as many times as necessary)

Someone: What are you quoting?
You: You've Got Mail, are you having a stroke!?
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